Confused by Life
by flplayer15
Summary: Commander Shepard is strong, stronger than most people in our galaxy. Surrounded by her loyal crew, she has beaten Saren and Sovereign. She is The Hero of the Citadel and A Face of the Humanity. How can a Collector attack change everything? Can she tell who is lying to her? Who can she trust? FemShep/Liara/Miranda, non-canon after ME1
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER**

**I do not own Mass Effect or any related content, it is owned by BioWare. I do not receive anything from writing this story.**

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**  
Hi everyone. I'm in love with Mass Effect and I love its fanfictions. I decided that I also want to try it on my own. English is not my main language, so please forgive any grammar mistakes.

* * *

"Shepard. Are you listening to me?" Liara said while raising both her voice and herself a little bit higher from her comfortable position on the bed. Shepard was again sitting behind her desk in their cabin. Working wasn't anything unusual for the commander, she was restless, but she, most of the time, listened to her even while paying attention to her terminal.

"Hm? Oh, yeah. I'm listening." Shepard replied without even turning her head towards her young lover.

_Well that's a lie if I ever saw one._ Liara thought with a little smile working up on her lips. She got up from the Alliance issue bunk bed and covered up her naked body with one of the blankets casually lying next to her. She loved having more comfortable place to sleep, she was an archaeologist after all. She didn't get too much quality sleep so this was a luxury for her.

She got used to the bed after a while, as she barely left commander's side after their passionate night before Ilos, after she failed to hold her feelings any longer and gave herself to her fierce saviour. _And what a night that was..._ she thought with large smile all over her face now. Anyway, now she thought that sleeping next to her love was the most comfortable place she could imagine and nothing could ever beat that.

The young scientist slowly made her way to the woman behind the terminal placed on the desk, covering herself from the chilly air in the room. She noticed that terminal was always perfectly aligned with the edges of the desk and not a bit wrong. It had its spot and that's the way it had to be. She never understood Shepard's obssesion with having her stuff exactly on the right place, it didn't really fit her personality in Liara's eyes.

Liara studied the commander on the way. Her beautiful shoulder-length dark red hair resembling untamed fire when she moves around battlefield wasn't according to Alliance standarts, she didn't cut it for a long time now. _We didn't exactly have time for stuff like this I guess.._ Liara sighed silently and placed her hand on her lover's shoulder.

"Is everything alright? You seem distracted." she asked sweetly and kissed her cheek. Shepard still didn't look on her. Now when Liara was close and had her hand on the woman she loved, she realized how tense Shepard was. Her posture was stiff and hard. The maiden learned how to study humans a little bit better, spending so much time with, not only the commander but the whole Alliance crew, has taught her more than most aliens could notice. She is one very observant asari. _Something is obviously wrong._

"I have a bad feeling about this mission, Liara. My gut tries to tell me something. And my gut feelings are never wrong." Shepard frowned. "I know it's just reconnaissance, but so many ships lost in this area in such short time. We have never even received any SOS or warnings. Something is fishy here..." she said in low, dark voice. She got ever more tense, Liara felt the subtle change.

Liara was familiar with Shepard's reputation and with all events that happened to her in her short life. 26-year old soldier had endured a lot, more than she should have in her whole life. That surely caused the ruthless attitude she was known for. It scared the maiden when she first heard about it during one of the lunches aboard the Normandy, a fascinating human-turian design space frigate. It wasn't like the crew was scared of the commander.. Well, maybe some of them were. But the respect for her was so big and strong you could almost see it materialized.

She admired how strong her love was. Having her family and all people she knew slaughtered right before her own eyes, sights like that can change a person completely. It would probably break her, she thought. Although Liara wasn't sure if Shepard was like that even before because no one knew. And those who knew, well... Those people died on Mindoir along with information about the first human Spectre. She never let anyone get close to her, only the asari doctor. It made everyone wonder why.

"We will not be careless, Shepard. Joker and bridge crew are doing a splendid work, no Geth ship can surprise us. And on top of that, we haven't encountered a single Geth ship during these two months we are searching this cluster. Don't worry so much, we are being careful."

"This is not about trust, Liara, you know I trust my crew..." she finally rose from her chair, though movement shook Liara's hand down from her shoulder. She made a few steps towards the bed.

"This is a waste of our time, we know what's coming and Alliance keeps brushing us off with this bullshit!" she growled, visibly angry. Fortunately, Liara already knew how to calm the soldier down at least a bit. She wasn't hurt, she knew well that her rising anger wasn't pointed at her. She was absolutely sure that Shepard would never hurt her. Ever.

"Shepard, we both know that..."

BOOM.

Normandy has shaken and both Liara and Shepard fell to the ground. Ship alarms started to loudly scream, it was literally impossible to overhear it.

Shepard's instincts were sharp as a blade, in a second she was next to Liara and helped her to get up.

"Are you hurt?" she inquired, even though her voice switched to a commander mode, there was a hint of worry. Her grip on Liara's hips was strong, but somehow it felt gentle, careful. Liara's lips formed a small smile as the soldier quickly looked for a sign of injury on her body.

"I'm fine, don't worry."

"Alright, let's go grab our gear. On the double!"

Shepard's locker wasn't located down in the shuttle bay as everyone else's. She had her locker next to the medbay as the only one. Luckily, there were few other lockers next to hers that no one used, so Shepard stored her old suits of armor there in case of an emergency. She never sold them, just kept them hidden away.

"Take this armor, Liara. We have almost the same size." she handed her one of those older suits. A pink-white Phoenix.

"Finally, your need to have everything organized and on its place has paid off. Besides, I look much better in these colors than you do." she teased. Shepard rolled her eyes, holding back a smile and they both quickly strapped on their armors.

* * *

Liara watched the Normandy crumble from a window in the escape pod. She did as Shepard commanded, gathering as many crew members as she could and taking them to safety, while Shepard had to go for Joker who refused to leave his ship.

Last escape pod was still in its designed spot, waiting to be launched by commander and her pilot. She has already found out that Pressly wouldn't make it. The initial blast killed him.

The asari was getting really nervous, unknown ship was destroying the Normandy fast and Shepard was apparently still on board. Garrus watched her nervously, he was trying to look calm so he wouldn't scare the doctor even more. Everybody was silent, as if praying that their leader makes it out alive along with Joker of course.

_I will not lose you, Shepard._ Fists clenched harder, so hard that she drew blood with her fingernails, tears started to creep out in her eyes. She would not see her bondmate die, not now when she only began to live. And she wanted to live by Shepard's side.

* * *

"We received a SOS from our sleeper agent abroad the Normandy, sir. They are being attacked and they are losing quickly."

"Contact Miss Lawson and her team and tell them to get on the way. We need to be there sooner than the Alliance."

"At once, sir."

The Illusive Man took a silent puff from his cigarette and aimed his gaze at the dying sun in front of him. Drops of condensed water were sliding down on the bottle of his '54 Thessia Red, smoke slowly disappearing around him.

He knew it was a Collector ship destroying the Normandy. He knew exactly where the Normandy was and why it was attacked, he had people watching them closely. He knew that it could have all been prevented.

But The Illusive Man needed Shepard. And he needed her without the Alliance. And he always gets what he wants.


	2. Chapter 2

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

Hey everyone, I'm here pretty quick with second chapter as I want to start this story fast and give a basic overlook on how I want to write this story, where I want to lead it and if it makes sense to continue. The start is quite slow but you're gonna get action and drama soon! I would be happy for any type of review, don't be afraid to put your honest opinions, as well as any ideas you get throughout the story. Thank you all and have fun :)

* * *

Miranda Lawson was sitting in her cabin on Cerberus ship, reading a report one of many datapads lying around her. One of Illusive Man's top operatives, she worked hard to get to this position, everyone knew it. The Ice Queen, they called her. She never let anyone get close. _It doesn't end good,_ she thought. And she was right.

She was anxious to start this operation, ever since The Illusive Man mentioned his plan to her for the first time, she wanted to be a part. Not just to have a part. To lead it. The infamous Commander Shepard, the untamed beast. The Survivor of Mindoir. A ruthless bastard.

"That sounds like a challenge exactly for me, sir." she said confidently back then. Of course, The Illusive Man agreed, she was by far his most trusted agent and she always got the job done. For Miranda, failure is never an option.

She smiled when she recalled their discussion. How warm it felt when he expressed his trust. The father figure she needed after she escaped her biological father, Henry Lawson. That man influenced her life in ways even he couldn't expect.

"Now is not the time, Miri." Miranda rebuked herself and shook her head. It's not like she had problems with focus. This was the biggest task of her career and she was absolutely ready. Which was good, because the time has come.

A body in her bed since then hidden under the blankets moved and a chocolate-skinned, toned guy uncovered his sweaty chest. Throwing away everything, he sat down and leaned on the headboard of the messy bed and followed her movement with his dark brown eyes, as he rubbed the top of this head and his very short hair growing there. This simple action revealed his muscular arms. Though not seen now, the rest of his body was in a similar fashion.

"Talking to yourself again? What's the matter?" the guy asked her curiously.

The informant stood up, threw the datapad on the table and left her cabin.

* * *

Liara and Kaidan did their best organizing people around them, containing panic and locating other escape pods with crewmen. They were lucky their pods landed only some meters away from each other.

"You okay, Kaidan? How's your arm?" Liara asked politely when she noticed the lieutenant coming towards her. She was attending to one of the engineers.

"Nah, no worries. This is the least of our problems now. Medigel numbed the pain and doc can fix the fracture later." he smiled and moved his arm a little higher to show that he's fine. He did a great job ever since they crashed. As a field medic, he was able to treat all minor injuries which almost everyone had, even with his broken arm he was super effective. "I started up the emergency beacon, I'm sure the Alliance will be here soon." he said after a while. Liara realized she was silent for some time and didn't answer him.

"Oh. Yes. Thank you Kaidan, let's hope they get here soon." she quickly responded. _Quite awkward_, a thought ran through her mind.

The doctor never spoke much with Kaidan. After her relationship with the commander grew more serious, he seemed even more distant. Of course, she heard the low deck rumours that he had a large crush on the human Spectre. She didn't want to make it more uncomfortable for him, so she didn't move around him too much, maybe she even avoided him a little. She could say when a person was hurting, she surely wanted to make it easier for him.

"I'm sure she's alright, doctor. Shepard always comes back, you know that." he interrupted her line of thoughts. The handsome biotic tried his best to cheer her up. He knew Shepard much longer than her, as he told her during one of those rare talks they had when she joined the crew after they saved her on Therum.

She remembered how Shepard, Kaidan and Ashley found her in the Prothean stasis bubble, flying in the air and begging for help. When Shepard used the mine laser, she triggered a cave-in. Ashley advised to leave the young doctor there because she couldn't be trusted, her mother was a traitor.

She felt so terrified, afraid that Shepard would leave her there or worse. Those yellow eyes with splashes of dark green color were incredibly scary as they studied her, trying to exploit any lie, anything untrue in doctor's words. Liara was smart enough not to lie, she also had no reason to lie. They saved her life from the geth. Shepard took her with them and her orders were never questioned by her people. She recognized the respect they had for their leader very fast. And saw why she has earned their respect, it was all pretty obvious to her.

The Spectre stood there strong, her posture emitting fear and experience in spite of how young she looked. And probably was. She had a dark scar over her left eye, starting above the eyebrow and ending slightly below lower eyelid. It made Liara's legs tremble, she was completely sure she would try her best not to piss this human off.

She sometimes wonders how is it possible that this amazing human, greatest of all time, fell for her. From all people, she fell for her! A trembling young maiden with no experience, embarrassing herself in a few of their first conversations. But surprisingly, the Commander was patient, kind and listened to everything she had to say. She made her feel good, no matter what the topic. She was very easy to talk to. _Easy only for me as I was told._

Shepard was hers, solely hers. And she was terrified to lose the woman she gave her innocent loving heart to. Her beloved, caring bondmate.

Liara turned his head to him and brought up her best smile she could give him in a situation like this.

"No. No, I don't."

He watched her silently, his gaze burning in her back as she slowly walked away from him.

* * *

An escape pod landed on planet which was, luckily, very close to the place where Normandy was attacked. Big 'THUMP' vibrated inside, clinging metal sounds were loud but Joker did not really notice it. He was devastated, he couldn't perceive anything around him. He felt like petrified in several seat belts, he didn't even feel his broken ribs. He couldn't believe what happened just moments ago.

"You fucking idiot..." he whispered as a tear escaped his eye. He tried to remember what precisely happened but everything was blurry. Like clouded by some kind of smoke in his mind. It felt like his mind was blocking his memories, the event being too painful to think about it. So much death around him. The young cute ensign. Pressly. He didn't even know who got out. If Garrus, Kaidan or Tali made it. _God, I hope Chakwas was in a pod in time,_ he prayed. She was his closest friend. Closest after...

Shepard.

"Don't call your commander idiot, brittle boy." she grinned painfully. Only then Joker noticed the amount of blood on the floor around her.


End file.
